Old newbie, or old oldie?

Hi - I'm Jules, and grateful to have found this forum. I'm 46 years old, married with 2 young teen/tween boys, and I work full-time as a professor. I'm also recovered from an eating disorder (ED) that was diagnosed about 15 years ago. People always ask "which type" (don't ask - most of us fall in the middle) and truth is I purged and restricted to have some semblance of control over a childhood/adulthood that was difficult. I was in remission mostly when I was pregnant/nursing/young kids, but looking back, I realize I really wasn't. I also now realize my problem wasn't the ED, but undiagnosed depression and anxiety. I have an exceptional medical team and continue to see a psychologist for therapy regularly, and my shrink for "med management." I've been in full remission for over two years. My team knows I'm considering rejoining WW and are okay with it. I mention all of this because a LOT of people don't understand eating disorders especially in adults, and think it has to do with weight loss, but it doesn't. That's like saying that having a glass of wine puts you at risk for alcoholism, or taking advil can turn you into an addict. 

I was never thin - tall, but from the time I was 17 or so on, was a size 8-10 (5' 8", about 140 lbs). I tried so many diets and went vegetarian for awhile but nothing worked, and I'd accepted that I was just "big boned." Even as a teen I was an athlete but was never thin. After college, I worked in a high-pressure, demanding career that required enormous amounts of travel, but was able to stay around 140-150 until I hit my 40's (excluding pregnancy). I lost my post-baby weight thanks to the perks of walking with a stroller and breastfeeding :-). Whenever the weight crept on, I'd toss in an extra yoga or pilates class, or hit the eliptical at the gym an extra day. When I turned 40, that stopped working and the 2-3 pounds a year really added up. What pushed me over the edge was I crossed two lines - 160 lbs, and needing spanx to fit into size 12 generously cut clothes, all while working out 3-4 times a week. My father-in-law was dying of cancer and we were his primary caretakers, so I knew I couldn't spend time at the gym, plus I'd gone back to work part-time. On a whim, I tried WW Online for the 3 month period and LOVED IT. My deal with myself was that I'd track everything, but I could eat anything. For once, it worked. The first two weeks were hard as I was hungry but I loved the app and the forums.

I was never a big fruit & veggies fan, but having the little chart on the front screen of my phone kept me targeting veggies & water. I figured out what were "go-to" foods for me and for once knew what to eat instead of eating mindlessly (I've always been lazy about food - I don't like to think about it, I just need the energy and don't like to feel hungry). The forums were a huge help too. After a few weeks, the pounds started to come off at a varied pace, average 1.5 lbs a week. I started to feel better about my body, clothes began to fit, and I hit my 10 pound goal and decided to keep going. I had tons of energy, and was able to handle stress better. I wound up dropping from 159 to 130, a size 14 to a size 2. Best of all, I started running again. My bad knee wasn't bad after I dropped the weight, and I found that I could reduce my stress by running, soccer, and yoga (even completed two triathlons!), rather than through unhealthy traits of old. I went on maintenance for quite awhile. In that time, I went back to work full-time, my husband's pay was cut 60%, my son was very sick and my other son was diagnosed with a learning disability, and my father was diagnosed with what would later become alzheimers (I became his primary caretaker), but I kept plugging along. I think WW helped save me by keeping me focused on healthy eating - and keeping me eating - rather than letting the stress get to me even more. 

Then everything in my life came crashing down in about three months, right after I went to work full-time. Our son needed surgery, my dad had a fall and shattered his femur, and my husband's job and travel became unbearable and he was not keen on having a wife who was not able to manage the house, kids, doctors, dry cleaners, bills, taxes.... I moved my dad to assisted living, took over his life, found doctors for our son and helped him through his surgery, and helped my husband plan to leave his job, all while working a 60 hour workweek. I gave up most everything I loved - friends, hobbies, reading, sleeping! - and focused on everyone else's needs. My own health took a toll, and I started back up with my eating disorder which scared me. I got into therapy, was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and went on meds until we found the right combination. That alone took over a year. I tried to unravel the mess my life had become and a big part of that was going off WW and working with a nutritionist. That was almost five years ago. My weight settled at 140 and I was pretty okay with that. I barely had time to exercise but walked whenever I could and ran whenever I had time.

My kids are happy and healthy, hubby is okay. My work is more manageable although I make less money. My dad just died a few weeks ago and now I'm his executor. My therapist and I are working on "self-care." Unfortunately, my self-care of past - running, walking, knitting, playing cello, biking, hiking, skiing, singing, swimming, soccer, watching my kids' sports and events, church... - is not available to me now. I seriously trashed my neck and spine when I was rear-ended by an inattentive 19-year old ten months ago. Life with chronic pain and disability has limited me in many ways, and the meds I'm on also are not helpful to maintaining my weight. I'm at the point where my size 10-12 clothes aren't fitting me - even with spanx - and I won't go on a scale because I'm certain I've long passed the 159 mark where I started WW. I suspect I'm around 165 if not higher. I can barely walk because of the pain and atrophy, so regular exercise beyond PT is out. I watch what I eat - always have - but middle age + no exercise + weight/bloat from meds = bad combo. Fad diets don't work for me. That leaves me with WW.

I have a few issues. I tried to go back on it but was really peeved to find that my favorites (veggie/water tracking, go-to foods, forums) suck and/or are gone with the new plan, so I quit. Now I have to give it another try. I'm going to wait until Sunday, step on that dreaded scale, take the measurements (including my new muffin top), and start over. I'll post some q's I have later, but I just wanted to introduce myself and say how glad I am to meet all of you!!


Have a blessed day -
Jules